Okay - how is it September?! This year is flying by, and I’m not sure if I’m alone in this, but I feel as though I lived most of it in a complete daze. As you can probably tell from my last few (lol let me be real, all of them) newsletters, this year has been...interesting to say the least. But, during the ninth month of the year, I’m actually finding peace within myself. I haven’t felt this calm and accepting of my life, probably this entire year. That in itself feels like an accomplishment. The fact that I’m able to write this, for you to see, after being extremely anxious about being perceived once again, feels like an accomplishment. I’ll be honest, I had moments during this year where I had lost hope - which is not like me. Because of my parents, friends, and community, I think I’ve always managed to pick myself up during my rough patches. However, I was unable to do that during the last 7 months, and it took me a while to accept it. It took me a long time (and I still struggle with this) to accept that hey, there are days where I’m not okay. There are days that feel like one existential crisis on top of another, wondering what I’m doing, who I’m going to become - hoping I do become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m here now writing in confidence that I can be, and I will be. And you will be too.
My friends and I went out last weekend, and the topics of healing, friendships, relationships, and men (obviously) came up over drinks. And while we are all going through our separate journeys and sharing them with each other, I think one thing has helped us find some solace in the way things are. Acceptance. While aspects of our lives are in our control, many things are not. In regards to our careers, passion projects, relationships, friendships, health, you name it - so much of it, we really don’t know what could happen, or what is bound to happen, regardless of our intention. I know this is no newfound life lesson I’m writing about, but sometimes we need reminders.
The ways in which people perceive us, treat us, reject us, harm us, or love us, oftentimes have other reasons that don’t meet our eye. This doesn’t mean that we can treat others poorly because we “don’t owe anyone anything” (more on this later - I absolutely despise this way of thinking). We owe each other respect, at the very least. But sometimes, that doesn’t matter either. I’ve learned to accept that no matter how badly I want things to go a certain way, or believe so deeply that this job is the right one for me, or if this person enters my life, they’re in it forever - sometimes, it is simply not the case. My friend told me jokingly (with a hint of truth), “Nivs, sometimes people will act like they’re in love with us, and we’ll believe them. But sometimes, it doesn’t mean anything. That’s who they are, and we can’t control it. It isn’t our fault, nor is it theirs.” And, such is life. So what?
So what. The last few months, I cannot even tell you how many times I found myself replaying moments in my head from throughout my life, upset over how vastly different my life felt this summer. I didn’t have a strict guideline planned out when I was younger - you know, the usual - well paying job right out of college, married by 25, kids by 29, whatever. I never had that. Honestly, I still don’t. But, I did have one thing that I remember repeatedly telling myself during those horrific high school years. I want nothing more, in this life, than to be happy. To be happy with myself, with my family, with my friends, with my community. I wanted a profession I’d find passion in, while finding purpose outside of it, too. I wanted best friends from college who stuck with me (they did, and we’re for life). There were days in the last 7 months where I found myself breaking down, because I had felt I disappointed 16 year old me. I can tell you now, that I think I gave my happiness to others this last year, rather than nourishing it within myself, and finding the acceptance I so badly needed. I think we all do this, and I certainly re-learned the hard way that my sense of security, my sense of self, happiness, and love for myself - and the world - is in my hands. If anything, I’m at fault for giving others the power to have control of my happiness and my sense of self. And that’s on me.
I think there’s a light bulb moment during our rough periods where suddenly everything clicks. It’s as if I took a deep breath in, let it go, and gave up on control, or wishing for my life to be different. I gave up on ruminating, comparing, and beating myself up for being where I was. I was exhausted from overthinking, as if anything would’ve played out differently. All of that to say, it took me a long time to accept things as they are, and move the f*ck on. It took a lot of work too - being and feeling alone, being uncomfortable in becoming who I am, and accepting myself as I am. Accepting that while I may have a tougher exterior, I’m soft on the inside. It’s hard for me to let go and forgive without forgetting. Attempting to set boundaries, while learning to grow outside of my comfort zone. But I’m here now, happy to back to myself, and I’m not leaving. And the work is certainly not over.
While I’m (finally) in this acceptance stage, I hope you find acceptance too. In ourselves, in the way things are, and the way things are bound to be - whether stages in our lives play out in our favor, or not. No matter what, things will unravel out of our control. And it’s perfectly okay. We just have to do our part in trying to keep our happiness close, no matter what. Sixteen year old us would be proud.
With love,
Nivita