Something that has been on my mind for a long time now but I haven’t had the vocabulary to articulate all my feelings, experiences, and thoughts around, is faith. I feel quite immature in regards to this aspect of life, especially as I grow older. I watch peers have strong stances, or no stance at all, and I’m not sure where I fall. I’ve stayed quite avoidant of this topic with my writing, even though it’s something I personally grapple with daily. I’m someone who deeply believes in everything happening for a reason, and that God, the universe, is watching out for me. But lately, it doesn’t seem to feel that way - whether it be on a personal level, or for our world. I have a hard time believing when we’re witnessing atrocities happen in our world, sometimes in the name of religion, or different belief systems. This is not what our God would have wanted for us, I’m sure. This is not what we want when we look to God for guidance, I’m sure. So why does it happen?
But who am I to question my own faith, when those experiencing the most inhumane, unthinkable, have unwavering faith, power, dedication, determination and belief that I cannot comprehend?
Particularly lately, when I’m admittedly going through that late twenties transitory period of life. Where things feel dark(er) because the sun isn’t shining down on us consistently, and the clouds seem a bit heavier than normal for a long period of time. Things are a little too uncertain for my liking. When you try so hard, and so deeply to stay positive, it doesn’t seem to matter. During times like these, I question myself, my life, the people around me, and above all else, I wonder what the powers above/the universe/God has in store for me. I wonder if there is anything in store for me, and when the universe will show me that she has my back. I wonder how many more lessons must be learned until there’s a bit of space before the next learning. I wonder if there’s something I’ve done to upset her.
I’ve always believed that my Hinduism is more of a way of living with interconnectedness more than anything else. I believe with every fiber in my being that We Are All The Same and should be treated and respected as such. I grew up believing deeply in God, and felt I had a relationship with those I prayed to every day. Ganesha, Devi, Vishnu, Rama, Hanuman, in that order. On Mondays, I prayed extra hard to Shiva. The stories I grew up reading or being read to shaped my version of what religion, spirituality, and God meant to me. My favorite story was the Ramayana - my mother read one particular version to me every night. My favorite part was when Hanuman meets Sita in Lanka, and tells her about her beloved Rama. The stunning paintings and sketches in this book, the names, the story, the descriptions blew me away every time. I was in awe. Every night felt like I heard it for the first time. When we visited temples while growing up, I was always excited to pray to Rama, Lakshmana, Sita, and Hanuman.
I’m sure many of you reading this can relate.
Somewhere along the way, I lost faith little by little. When I think about it while writing, it was the Summer of 2012 that it began. My maternal grandfather - whom I’ve written much about before - was in the hospital for days due to a bus accident. My family and I spent numerous days in temples, praying, crying, praying and crying in temples, praying and crying at home, praying, crying. I believed so deeply that a miracle would happen. I believed so deeply that my grandfather would somehow wake up, walk on his two feet, and be back to the thatha I always knew and loved. I believed that everything would go back to normal.
That’s what’s supposed to happen, right?
I learned, then, that no. That isn’t what always happens. I’m still angry, twelve years later, but what I know now is that life is not the type of life my thatha would’ve wanted - one where he can’t be himself. Now, that’s not what I would’ve wished for him either. I don’t know what his conversations with God were, and I never will. But I’m sure they both have decided that while I would do anything for him to be here with me now - as much as I’m crying while typing this - this is better for us all.
For years after 2012, I stopped feeling any sort of belief or faith. I think I stopped myself from believing or having faith. I refused to have belief or faith, and instead filled that void with some anger, and an odd slight sense of nihilism that I had towards the world and people around me. It took me years - nearly a decade - to unravel this anger I had towards everything, and accept myself and life as it was. It is okay to be in pain, to be upset, to be angry, and still have the belief that things will get better. And they do. I feel bits of teenage me seeping back into twenty-eight year old me, and I have to remind myself of this daily.
Now, at twenty-eight, I allow myself to feel whatever I was missing in those years. I understand the human need and desire to believe in something. I accept that I, myself, need to believe, and understand what faith means to me. I feel a deep sense of calmness, focus, and power I can’t describe when I visit Kapaleeswarar Kovil in Chennai. When I was at the Kovil in 2022, I couldn’t control the tears falling while praying. I feel it when I stand in our small puja room at home, praying, meditating. I have felt it in Jama Masjid in Delhi. I feel it when I’m in Chennai, and I hear the Adhan.
I feel it when I read writing that moves me so deeply, that I’m convinced the writer had me in mind. I feel it when I’m around my friends, and they make me feel lighter than I possibly could on my own.
I feel it whenever I’m by the ocean, watching the waves roll in and out. Knowing that she’ll continue to roll in and out, every day, until the end of time. The sun will continue to rise.
I feel it when I go on walks, and the sky is blue, and there are no clouds in sight - or just a few, to remind us that one cannot exist without the other. Just like we cannot exist without each other. I teared up last week while walking and listening to Man Kunto Maula and Enna Thavam on repeat, back to back, because I felt the Thing. The Thing being devotion, the Thing being release, the Thing being clarity, the Thing being my heart tightening in my chest, the Thing being my heart expanding, the Thing being my grandfather, knowing Enna Thavam was one of his favorite songs, the Thing being belief and knowing that if above all us, He is watching over me, both my grandfathers are watching over me, and I will be okay.
I feel it when I watch people fall in love, stay in love, and do what people In Love do. Love - in all its forms - makes me feel it.
I hope I continue to feel it, even now, especially now, when things feel Not Okay. But I know they Will Be Okay, with time, with belief, and with faith.
With love,
Nivita
for what it’s worth it was an honor to read this! You had so many different thoughts running through my mind and questions i’d enjoy listening to you respond to.
this isn’t my space this is yours but I did just want to encourage you in your “walk with God”.
Your perspective is clearly growing, you are maturing, and you are seeking the things of God. I believe God rewards people like you by reaching out to them in ways only God can.
To me you are doing far better than you may think you are or may be able to see for now. Looking forward to reading more from you Nivita!
This was so beautiful, Nivita! It reminded me of something I read a little while ago along the lines “To trust God doesn’t mean you have to always understand.” ❤️