Just Live Your Life (Rihanna Voice)
I’ve tried to write multiple times within the last month - I write for myself on an almost daily basis, but I’ve found it difficult to write something new for others to read. When I don’t have anything profound to say, it sometimes feels as though I shouldn’t put any words out there. I’ll catch myself into an overthinking loop of wondering if sharing my perspectives or thoughts matters. I’m trying to shift my view on writing. For a while, it was a vehicle for me to understand myself, my headspace, and my emotions. Writing has become a part of me. But, writing became synonymous with being in pain, hurt, or upset. I didn’t know how to approach writing in a light hearted manner - and this is the most lighthearted I’ve felt in years. And that’s valid to put into the world, too. Even if it isn’t the most profound, newfound, or revolutionary, we can - and should - share our light.
Perhaps I’m trying to unlearn whatever notions I’ve held on to - shame and guilt being amongst them - all the things that are unnecessarily piled onto single women who are in their mid - late 20’s. Brown girls, am I right?! I’ll plug the insanely badass Alya Mooro here, who discusses this topic thoroughly in a much more eloquent manner than I ever could. The feeling that I’ve done something wrong can become debilitating, when I am simply living my life as I choose - after years of (I am now realizing) living my life as if it weren’t my own. For feeling free, for feeling empowered, and that indescribable moment when you’re finally falling back in love with yourself. As I spent the last few months of this year attempting to shed layers of my skin that I had felt I deeply outgrew (or wanted to get rid of), I’m growing more comfortable within my skin, stretching it as much as it’ll allow me to. Glowing, and accepting while protecting me from whatever will come my way.
The work is always there to be done, but we can simply exist and live. And to finally be here is a blessing within itself. I deeply missed the blissful feeling of dancing with your best girl friends alongside strangers at a bar. The quick glances you make with each other when you’ve spotted your type across the dance floor. The hungover debriefs afterwards that last hours, and the FaceTimes that must be done in a timely manner to keep a friend who wasn’t there updated. Those fits of laughter you have together when something doesn’t go your way, but hey, it’ll add character anyways. The intimacy that grows over time with your friends you’ve known for years - a new layer of comfortability that you quite possibly would never share with anyone else.
Watching my parents relive the memories of their younger years when I play their favorite love songs, while they beg me for gossip about our entertaining 20-something-year-old lives. I can’t help but feel a sense of longing for times that weren’t mine, but I feel connected to, somehow.
I know one day, they’ll be mine, too.
To fall back in love with life.
With love,
Nivita