I’m writing this newsletter from Chennai (I know, I’m back, already?!) a bit confused with where life is taking me. Nothing new. Every time I’m here, I feel as though I'm being taught a lesson. Something in me changes, or something around me takes a different form. As someone who is extremely change-averse, I was a bit hesitant and anxious to come back to Chennai, just after 5 months of being here from January of this year to early March. I was also excited, with all these sentiments of how I hoped this trip would be. Filled with the joys of being around friends and family, good food, the chaos that makes me feel alive, wandering the city, and finding peace in the small, insignificant moments that I’ve gone on about before.
This time doesn’t feel like that. Perhaps it’s the season of life that we’re all in, the “post covid” joys of being reunited has faded. Maybe it’s the burn out that everyone feels, unsure where our paths are taking us - or if they’re even taking us in the right direction. In the way that we hoped and dreamed of. How many more bumps in the road must we endure?
While I know both of my homes are mine as much as I want them to be, it sometimes feels as though we’re meant to feel on the outside (in both) no matter what. Is it fair for neither of our countries to fully accept us? I’m not sure. I don’t think I’ll ever find out. I’ll probably live in a cloud of confusion for my entire life, and that is something I’ve slowly started to accept. Maybe it’s the “NRIs are insufferable” content that’s constantly posted online, or the overly nationalistic pride exposed by the Indian diaspora abroad (only on August 15th or Deepavali) that equally confuses me. It leaves me slightly uncomfortable in my own skin. Picking apart my own perception of myself, of my identity, of my relationship with India. And sometimes, it seems as though others think they have the right to have on opinion on how we feel, too.
What I don’t like is that it’s making me want to detach from what I thought I knew was to be mine. But that doesn’t have to be the case.
The last two years I made a conscious effort to become more soft - with myself, with my world, and my life. But, I think there’s some sensitivities that have arisen too, that I didn’t anticipate. Just because we feel a certain warmth, or gentleness towards life, we can’t expect others to see the world in the same way, too. I can’t make everybody happy, and the more I try to keep everyone happy, the more I find myself drowning under my own emotions. I get stuck in loops of overthinking - ruminating on decisions I made, whether or not it was the “right” one. I’m unable to stay afloat, let alone keep my head above the water.
While I try to move through life in a way that is more forgiving, accepting, and joyful, I find that it’s caused me to forget about my own boundaries, my own self-respect, and the way in which I allow others to treat (or mistreat) me. As someone who grew up afraid to rock the boat (and perhaps close ones only saw this timid, adjusting side of me), I find that when I choose to speak my mind or ask for what I want now, I’m often faced with discouragement rather than an invitation to live my life in a way that I want. It leaves me confused, hurt, and of course, disappointed. Suffocated. But that doesn’t mean we should stop at the mercy of others. It’s only more reason to keep going, to keep pushing for what we believe is ours in a respectful manner. Roll with the punches, and move on.
That’s all to say, at 26, I think it’s time I stop worrying about others’ opinions of me, of my identity, of my perception of myself and my world. I know this newsletter is written with more of a somber note, but perhaps it’s a wake up call too.
To detach (in a healthy & loving way), to move forward, and to live.
After all, attachment is the root cause of suffering.
With love,
Nivita
Thanks for writing this. The moment you want to exert your agency, you become the problem child. It doesn't matter that you lived your entire life accommodating everyone's choices and consequences! Hope you get to slowly start living your life ❤️