I turned 28 earlier this month. It feels quite odd to say that number out loud, as most days, I don’t feel anywhere near my age, and I know damn well I don’t “look” it either. But then again, what is a 28 year old brown woman supposed to look like? Social media, filters, the beauty industry (and of course, the Kardashians) have completely warped our perception of how we’re “supposed” to look. I remember last year on my birthday I received a few messages calling me old for turning 27, absolutely shocked because I “didn’t look over 22”. I know these comments were coming from a kind place, but it makes me question how we perceive one another beyond or at a certain age.
That’s another topic I’ll dive into another day.
I’ve felt a slight sense of disappointment in myself since turning 28. Confronting this feeling as I’m typing this is oddly freeing, embarrassing, and tear-jerking all at the same time. Oof. What is a 28 year old supposed to have accomplished? What does she look like? How does she move in this world? How is she supposed to feel when she looks in the mirror? Will I find stability in a creative career? Will I be successful? When will people stop viewing single women as a burden? Am I a burden? Will I ever find “the one”? Does “the one” even exist for me? Why am I even thinking about this? Is 28 young, or old? I feel young, but when I go online, I feel as though I’m supposed to feel old and I don’t understand why. My fellow chronically online folks will understand - but most of the time, I feel like a teenage girl.
There was a tweet that circulated sometime last year that I remember immediately reposting with a sigh of relief. I felt seen. The tweet was written by a fellow South Asian American girl stating something along the lines of how South Asian/Desi/Brown girls truly go through their “teenage” years in their twenties. I couldn’t agree more. I know I’ve talked about this before, but my mid-late twenties have been the most freeing years of my life for multiple reasons. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone in many ways, but lately, I feel as though I’ve been stagnant. I keep swimming through life and I can’t seem to come up for air. I feel stuck. After much reflection, pondering, and diving into the depths of my existential brain, I think a lot of me feeling stuck is the “pressure” I feel from society's (I will argue that I believe I feel both Western and Indian ideals thrust upon me) “rules” of how one is supposed to live in their mid to late twenties.
I’m pursuing a Master’s Degree in Writing (what’s the point? Why didn’t I get into tech?), I currently live at home with my parents (as a 28 year old? embarrassing), I haven’t been as consistent with this newsletter as I’d hope (consistency girl!), I’ve been sick for the last few days (I’m extra sensitive and clearly all of these thoughts are seeping out of me), I’m single (sorry amma and appa), and I live in a secondary city (Portland, I love you, but maybe it’s time to gtfo).
It’s as though we’re meant to feel behind constantly. Like there’s some lack within us, some gap that we should be attempting to close. Admittedly, there comes a point where comfort becomes the enemy and pushes us to strive for more. That anxiety and stress is usually good, and lights a much needed fire within me to do what it takes to achieve my dreams.
On the flip side --
I have the privilege, time, and ability to pursue a higher education at a very well renowned university. I can afford to take the time to find roles that align closely with what I want out of my career. I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful and healthy relationship with my parents - sure, roll your eyes at me, but they are my best friends - that allows me to live at home at this age. The newsletter part - I’ll let myself kick myself a little more about that. Consistency is key, after all. Sickness - well, your body will tell you to rest if you keep ignoring it long enough. Being single in my late twenties is the best thing I’ve done for myself. I keep meeting more and more of myself as the days go by, and I can’t wait to open up more layers. I love Portland, but I’m (not so) secretly manifesting a New York City trip this year. If I so desire, I can create a home out of both places.
I’ve been struggling to write this newsletter consistently for some time now. In the beginning - during our pandemic era - I had a lot to say every week. New ideas came to me almost daily. I felt a bit more optimistic. Perhaps a little bit of naivety with sharing online too. Over time, I can now acknowledge that I became wrapped up in the metrics of it all. How many people were reading, if people shared it, how many link clicks it got, if people liked it or disapproved of my writing, so on. It got in my head, and for a while I felt as though I wasn’t actually a “good” writer (what does that mean anyways), that I didn’t deserve to take up space online (which is silly, this is *my* newsletter after all), or that I had nothing new to say - it had already all been said.
It has almost all been said, but the ways in which each writer, artist, or creative expresses themselves is completely their own. We might all be saying similar things, but it comes out in different forms and mediums. Allowing all types of connections to be formed - connections we might not have even anticipated, if it weren’t for the art bringing us together. And that’s the beauty of it all. I smile every time a writer has perfectly articulated something I couldn’t stop thinking about, but didn’t have the means to pinpoint myself. I love when I listen to music, sometimes in a language I don’t understand, which brings me to tears. Tears that I’ve been bottling up for a while, but a certain note, a certain melody, a certain line unravels me.
And I guess that’s the point. To feel human, to feel alive. To feel all of the things we’ve shoved deep inside us in order to keep going. The point is to pause, to remind ourselves of the humanity we have, that we’re capable of. Sometimes, it’s the human part of us that needs to be acknowledged, that prevents us from going without a breath, without a conscience.
Maybe if we paused more to think and to feel, we wouldn’t be witnessing what we have been, and it would all come to an end. Or I’m simply getting ahead of myself, and we’ve reached a point where greed and ego trumps all (no pun intended). I’d like to believe otherwise.
I was talking to one of my best friends, a fellow creative in India, about “the point” of it all and he left me with a few reminders that were much needed. Maybe you need them too.
The ability to make people feel more alive, more humane, and more themselves in this world, at 28? I don’t think there’s a bigger accomplishment than that. I’ll take it (for now).
With love,
Nivita
I keep coming back to this post. As a -6-year old not so great with my words creative.... it HITS! In the ways that I don't know how to express in words but in a way that just hits my soul and my soul needed it so deeply. It sounds dumb, But thank you.
We thoroughly enjoyed reading this! It was pretty freeing actually. This is such a common feeling to have especially in your mid to late twenties (though I am sure this is a feeling that can be experienced in various age brackets).
Linking your age to the milestones that you hoped to have achieved by now, focusing on what you haven’t managed to complete vs what you have. Looking at life from a place of lack rather than a place of gratitude and fulfilment. But you should feel more than proud of where you currently are. Honestly!
I (Shay, co-founder of TLLP) recently turned 30 and its only now that I’m able to feel comfortable with where I’m currently at in life. By no means am I where I want to be BUT I am so grateful for the life I’ve lived so far. The people I’ve met, the experiences I’ve had, the ventures I’ve launched that have failed or done pretty well. The failed intimate relationships etc. All of these lessons and experiences contribute to who we are as human beings.
I guess I want you know that it’s OK to feel stagnant at times. Stillness is necessary so that we are able to assess our next steps.
Take your time and appreciate life. There truly is no rush!
Enjoy the journey chic :)