There She Goes.
I wanted to try something a little different this week. As I’m working on my writing degree, I naturally write (a lot) for class and am quite consumed by the assignment and reading requirements weekly. So, I thought I’d include a piece I wrote recently for this edition of the newsletter. Take it as you will - and I hope at least one of you can relate.
I know I may sound repetitive as of late (as recently, life feels quite repetitive). But, I would be lying to myself if I didn’t feel the need to write regardless to go through the process that is being a 26 year old in today’s (slowly declining?) world. Like I’ve mentioned before, writing allows me to escape, but also pushes me to acknowledge how and why I think the way that I do.
I’ve found some sense of peace in monotony, although at times I do question if this is what will make me happy - I guess I still have time to find out. We all do.
Cloudless bright blue skies, with leaves rustling softly in the wind. The perfect summer day - not too hot, with a slight breeze that keeps life moving. The sun’s rays perfectly illuminate the greenery around her - a reminder that everything grows.
A breath of fresh summer air, the sun warming her skin and heart (in no particular order), giving hope that there is more to come. Behind the gray clouds, the sun is always hiding. No matter what, tomorrow is another new day. The birds chirp incessantly; sometimes annoying, yes, but in a moment of peace, a reminder that life is all around. She takes another sip of chai just at arm’s length, and lets out a deep sigh. As she finds herself lost in her own thoughts, the soft music playing in the background brings her back to the present moment. What matters is now - something she keeps telling herself over, and over, and over again.
“When will it end? When will it be my turn to live?” She thinks to herself. The anxiety of life eats her up on days that feel heavy. Other times, the uncertainty of life is exciting. An adrenaline rush at the thought of the possibilities, all that can be, and all that will be. It really is a roller coaster, she thought to herself. Everything can and does seem to change within minutes, hours, days, weeks, or months. What we think is reality can be quickly snatched away from us - either for good, or sometimes, against our own wishes. She tucks her hair behind her ear and catches a glimpse of herself in the reflection of her iPad that’s playing music - tired, but turning more and more into a carbon copy of her mother. Remembering all those years spent scrutinizing every bit of herself, for not looking like those who surrounded her. An absolute shame. Now, she couldn’t be more confident in her skin. What a pleasure it is to carry one’s identity on a map of who one is, where they come from - those who came before them, and for generations to come. When all else fails, she reminds herself of where she comes from will always push her in the right direction of where she is bound to go.
It hits that point in the day - the post lunch slump slips away while the sound of her laptop’s keyboard gets faster and faster. That sigh of relief when the sentences appear perfectly on the page - strung together in hopes of telling an impactful story. Words have always been there, when it feels as if no one else is - she writes to be the person she has always needed. To learn more about herself, the world, and those around her. Some days, writing seems to be the only escape, the only sense of movement, when she otherwise feels stuck, the feeling of stagnancy crawling through her skin like an itch that doesn’t seem to go away. Enough is enough.
The smell of filter coffee wafts through the house - it’s exactly 4:00 pm on a Monday. That inviting, warm smell that perks her up, giving her a sense of hope again when it seems as though nothing seems to go right. A slight smile and sigh after a sip of refreshing iced coffee - back to the clickity-clack of the keyboard, perhaps a more upbeat tune to wind down. As words continue to appear on the page, she feels herself let go. The ability to see things as new, as fresh, and release. Let go of the worries that will always be there, of the thoughts that are merely just thoughts, and never truth. To remind herself of the beauty of the unknown that is bound to come her way. The ability to change the course of one’s life in a second can be frightening, yes, but it’s also a blessing. A blessing to have the chance to live life on our own terms, take second, third, or fourth chances, and follow our intuition. A privilege to have the opportunity to make the most of our days, weeks, months, and years - whatever that means to us. To live and breathe on our own terms, and not anyone else’s.
Routines keep her going, but the possibility of all that she can be keeps her breathing.
Who cares what people say, anyways?