How the hell are ya?

Hi. 

How are you?

I know it’s been - yet again - quite some time since I gave my full attention to this newsletter. I’ll admit I feel some amount of shame in being inconsistent the last few months, or throughout 2023. It’s funny how releasing the feeling of shame has been a goal of mine this year, and in some ways I’ve succeeded, but clearly, in some ways, it finds its way to seep back into me. The feeling that there is always more to be done, always more to learn, always more to read, and of course the never-ending list of things to achieve. Does it ever end? Likely not, but at some point we must give ourselves the grace to just be. 

Not that I ever give myself that grace, but this serves as a reminder for myself, and for you too. 

I’m not sure if shame is the right word, or if it’s guilt, or confusion, or just not fully knowing what to say. Or being worried that folks reading this would roll their eyes at my words sounding repetitive. I hit points with this newsletter in being happy, in being emotional over the fact that people read words I string together on a page, but also walls that cause some version of self doubt. I hit walls with not knowing what to say, having nothing new to say, or having so much to say that I’m not ready for the world to know about, because I seem to be confronting new versions of myself on a monthly, weekly, daily basis. In those moments, I find myself steering away from the page that I find so calming and therapeutic. A form of love that constantly pushes me to grow outside of myself. But that’s love in its totality, isn’t it? Something I crave, yet seem so hesitant to allow into my life. 

If this newsletter sounds like a ramble, I apologize, but I guess that’s where my mind is at lately - or always? 

Since it is the halfway mark of this year, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been reminiscing or reflecting about the last six months, or the last twelve. You already know I have. Rather than writing about how much has changed over the last six to twelve months in flowery language, I thought I’d switch it up and simply write a list of moments in life that have made me happy to be here, in this body, on this Earth, in this moment. I hope this pushes you to do the same. 

This has truly been the best season of summer. Let’s get down to it.

• Feeling empowered in being a single 27 year old (brown) woman. I’ve never gotten to know myself better than I have in the last twelve to eighteen months. Love is quite literally all around us, constantly, we just have to look for it. Life is a lot lighter and brighter when you romance it. 

  • To add: not feeling some type of way about being single when you see those specific types of posts (you know exactly which ones I’m talking about) that used to make you sad. That in itself is an accomplishment. Instead, you feel happy for the couple. Or, I’ll admit, the occasional, “damn, she could do better.” 

  • To add more: listening to your favorite gut & heart wrenching romantic desi tunes that simply cannot be translated in English without tears running down your face. You Did That. Instead, you remind yourself that if such lyrics exist, this type of love does exist. 

• When you make (slightly fuzzy) eye contact with your best friend across the room/dance floor/bar/party and have a full conversation with just your eyes, knowing you were searching for each others’. She knows you better than you know yourself. 

• Being with friends who have stuck around for nearly a decade, knowing you’ll be stuck in it for decades more. And then some. You’ve seen each other go through it all. Why would you let go? 

  • To add: the comfort with said friends. Knowing that although we may not always, if ever, say it, that this type of friendship and love cannot be found elsewhere. It may waver here and there, but they know you. Certain artists and songs remind you of each other. When you’re on aux, they know the type of music you’re about to play. A song pops up that provokes nostalgia, and you rap together, sing together, dance together. In that moment, nothing matters except all that you’ve shared. 

• A best friend getting married to the love of her life. Being in the bridal party. Spending her last night before becoming a wife together, as three best friends. Escaping the venue to go to Taco Bell together, ordering an over-confident amount of TB (with the diablo sauce of course), giggling over what’s to come. Listening to her vows in pin drop silence, in awe of the conviction and clarity in her voice. Knowing that no matter what, the three of us will always stand by each other. 

• Spending time alone, completely alone, and loving it without a trace of loneliness. Finding peace in loudly playing music and doing chores. A song that makes me feel bittersweet comes up and I find myself smiling while doing the dishes. Understanding why my nurturing mother with a major green thumb adores her plants while I water her garden.

• Being on a continuous fitness journey for the last seven years and learning something new every day. Realizing I’m a lot stronger than I think I am, and that sometimes, all I have to do is tell myself that I can do it - with the right playlist, of course. 

• Reading and being wowed by words on the page. Pausing and looking up from the book in my hands, wondering how the writer created such a perfect sentence. How writers are able to write with such specificity, that it makes the feeling universal. Knowing that there isn’t a feeling I’ve endured that hasn’t been experienced before.  

• Academic validation. I’m sorry, but it feels so damn good when my professor and classmates say a few nice words about my words. Validation in general. It’s okay to admit that we need it. 

• Eating some good a** food with loved ones, entrees being split over the table so everyone can have a bite of everything. Drinking some good a** drinks with loved ones, drinks shared, sips taken, analyzing which one is the best or strongest. Then getting a second (and third) round of the best and/or strongest. 

• The sun. Singing in the shower alongside your bluetooth speaker. Developing a crush. A text from him popping up. Putting on an outfit and it looking better than how you envisioned it. Half baked Ben & Jerry’s straight out of the tub. A sick playlist that you made, that surprises you every time.

When I sit down and confront myself on the page, I realize, repeatedly, that this life is quite simple. It doesn’t take much to have a good time on this Earth. Sometimes all it takes is reminding myself that everything I desire is mine, and that the universe sometimes forces you to wait in order for something better to come. Good people by your side and good music in the background makes every day a treat. 

I hope you’re well, and I hope you remind yourself of how far you’ve come. 

With love, 

Nivita